What Happens When a Designer Gets Married?
Whenever anyone brings up our wedding, I feel exposed. A time where my anxiety and need for control of the uncontrollable were at its peak. It’s strange because the day is now months in the past. Something happened in the lead up. Something I couldn’t explain.
Too many decisions had to be made - the decision not to hire a florist, to have the wedding somewhere far away, but close enough for everyone to get to it. The decision to get married… to be called a “wife”. I felt uneasy about the whole thing. Why do people make such a spectacle of themselves? Love is a dance, but it’s not a live performance.
It started off small and grew to unhealthy degrees of defeat and overwhelm: we were planning a wedding. Or perhaps I should say, I was planning a wedding. JP was just in love - I was trying to plan a family reunion that represented the best parts of ourselves, of everyone. I learned that is a lot of pressure to put on a person. On anyone.
It’s a New Year, 2023, and quite a few weeks past our wedding day, and I still wonder how “things got so bad”.
Let me start out by saying I don’t believe that I became the stereotypical “bridezilla” that countless articles and movies reference. I didn’t demand outlandish requests from my wedding party, or scream about things going “my way”. I didn’t want a bachelorette trip, or a bridal shower… I wanted to least amount of attention.
What I became was much worse.
I created a wedding moodboard, which honestly resembled a messy “brand guide” for the look at feel of the day to share with the vendors. Hi! I’m a designer. Did we really think the visuals weren’t important? JP attempted to help - and I did delegate… the parts that couldn’t be messed up. I became the project manager, the production designer, and the creative director. All roles where one is supposed to delegate, and I didn’t.
I was also running my own business.
The morning before our wedding, I was sobbing in the shower in between bouts of throwing up. My anxiety had gotten the best of me - and I was not ok. In fact, I was quite unwell.
Something I mulled over this morning, as I finished my coffee, was that planning a wedding exposed a very dangerous side to my being. I needed control of uncontrollable factors. What if there was a car accident? What if someone died at the wedding? What if no one showed up? What if the reunion we were planning didn’t go as planned? What if I DID need flowers!? (Note: I made the early decision not to hire a florist. Killing flowers for a single day didn’t seem logical)
What did I learn?
The wedding industry tells you you need certain things in order for your wedding to be successful. “Otherwise, why would you bother?” They successfully make you think you need to hire certain vendors, spend certain amounts of money, and behave a certain way. The pictures must be perfect, they’ll likely be featured on the vendors social media. You will become a walking advertisement for their product. As much control as I had in the decision making, there were outside forces constantly saying “it’s not enough. It will never be enough”. But it was enough.
I made a list of the 5 things truly needed:
+ JP + Me
+ Food and drinks
+ Family and friends
+ Music
+ A venue
Once we had those, everything else was extra.
So, I made an “extras” lists:
+ candles
+ greenhouse
+ vintage furniture
I checked in with this list whenever I needed to make a decision. Unfortunately, I took this list to heart and made sure that these “5 things” were
What we didn’t do:
We didn’t cut a cake - we exchanged chocolate covered strawberries. We didn’t hire a florist - we bought 500 candles in bulk and worked with a local business to create dried flower bouquets ourselves. We didn’t walk in together at the reception - we walked in with our wedding party. We didn’t change our name. We played Sandstorm.
I realized that weddings are very similar to brands. They should represent your business, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent. It’s a moment in a very long line of moments. It’s hard to culminate 11 wonderful years into one day and it’s unfair to put those expectations on couples making a huge leap into marriage… a scary, daunting, but wonderful adventure.